Dear UpChuck,

'Cause that's what I wanted to do after I saw you use a "smiley" face in your letter. But that's okay, Chuckles. Most guys aren't in touch with their "inner schoolgirl". That just warms my heart like a white phosphorus round.

I'd tell you to man up, but that would be insulting to other men.

But I'm glad you want to give me a hug. Why, just look at what happened to the last guy who tried to hug me:



Which part of his "inner self" do you think he's in touch with now, Chuckles? His larynx, or his carotid artery?

I'm going to give you time to contemplate what I've said, and continue gun shopping. Yep, here's a real beaut:


But don't worry. I picked out one for you, too:


Enjoy spending time with your "Scrotus Gnarlius" cult, Norris. Maybe if you pay them enough money, they'll show you how to get in touch with your "inner balls".

-Rambo